Why do I love sex therapy?
Sexuality cuts to the core of human identity. At first many people think that sex therapy is about the physical act of “sex” itself, and while yes, we talk about erections, orgasms and the whole shebang, at the beating heart of sex therapy is human vulnerability in its absolute nakedness. The vulnerability of a relationship with the self, and the other.
I am sitting with humans grappling with questions of worth, belonging, power, control, love, and connection. Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy as a human being? Am I worthy of fun and pleasure, passion and play, rest and rejuvenation? Am I good enough? Will I be accepted or rejected? Can I share this fantasy, this deep desire, and still be accepted? Do I feel safe with myself, in my body? Can I feel safe with someone else? Can I be understood, and can I understand myself? Can I let go of control?
These questions, this grappling, for me is where the magic happens; in journeying with individuals and couples in the transformation of how they see themselves and the other. While core belief work is not unique to sex therapy, sexuality seems to be a window into a person’s innermost sense of self. It’s a regular occurrence to hear, “I’ve never shared this with anyone before”, and the utter relief and sense of freedom that comes from sharing in a place of safety.
At the same time…while yes there is the innermost self, sex is embodied. There is the marvellous and intricate connection to the human body. Blood pumping through the body in arousal, the co-ordination of the pelvic floor muscles, a cocktail of chemicals signalling “go” and others signalling “stop”. I love the challenge of piecing together the pieces of the puzzle of the biological, psychological, behavioural, relational, and cultural all wrapped together and expressed in the bedroom (or you know, elsewhere).
Professionally, sex therapy keeps me on my toes to keep my own biases in check. Nowhere else as much but in the place of sexuality will your own values be poked at and challenged. This is not a call to strip away my own values and be a blank slate, but to be aware of how they show up, understand where they have come from, and the role that they play in my life now. The tension is holding my values as my own and at the same time, remaining faithful to a person-centred process even in the face of values, beliefs, and decisions that directly conflict with my own. I think that spurs me on to better myself as a therapist. I can hold space, understanding, and compassion towards someone completely different to me.
It's vulnerable work, challenging work, and an incredible honour. This is what I love about sex therapy.
Written by Justine
