Low Libido: Understanding Desire and What Can Help

Low Libido: Causes, Myths, and How Sex Therapy Can Help

Low sexual desire is a very common concern. It is estimated that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men experience desire problems.

Low libido or reduced sexual desire is the most common reason to seek sex therapy. Low libido can be a source of personal distress and relational strain for both men and women. Although low desire is a very human issue, it can often lead to frustration, shame, embarrassment, a sense of inadequacy and loneliness.

It is important to know that variability in sexual frequency and desire is typical in a relationship. A model of “good-enough sex” acknowledges the normal shifts and changes of sexual intimacy, recognising that sex can mean different things at different times of your life.

This blog will explore the common underlying causes of low libido, myths that disrupt understanding, and how sex therapy can support your sexual wellbeing.

What is Low Libido?

Libido is also known as sexual desire; the interest or motivation for sexual activity. Low libido is a lack of or significantly reduced sexual interest, sexual thoughts or fantasies, and a desire for sex.

This can look like not wanting to engage in a partner’s attempts to initiate sexual activity, a decline in your own attempts to initiate, and reduced or absent sexual excitement or pleasure during sexual encounters.

Low libido affects individuals of all genders and sexual orientations. Dips in desire are often natural and normal. However, if low libido is persistent and a cause of distress, it may be time to reach out for support.

Common Causes of Low Libido

There are many potential reasons for low libido, and often low libido is multifaceted.

Psychological Causes: stress, anxiety and depression, negative thoughts and beliefs about sex, sexual trauma, negative body image, intimacy fears; these can all hit the brakes on sexual desire.

Relational Causes: libido can be impacted by relational discord such as unresolved conflict and resentment, a lack of trust, poor communication, differences in sexual desire (which is the most common reason couples seek sex therapy), feeling pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activity, a partner’s sexual dysfunction, overfamiliarity and desexualisation of each other, and infidelity.

Social and Lifestyle Factors: fatigue, workload, parenting stress, lack of privacy, and cultural and religious influences can shape or experiences of desire.

Biological Causes: libido can be influences by hormonal changes, medications such as SSRI antidepressants, chronic health illnesses such as diabetes or heart problems, and changes in sexual function due to ageing.

Myths that Fuel Low Libido

The following myths about desire are problematic, untrue, can create unrealistic expectations; all of which can contribute to and increase low libido.

Low libido means you’re broken: I want to emphatically express- you are not broken. It may not make sense to you right now, but there are likely reasons that help explain what you are going through. Often low libido is a symptom, rather than a problem in and of itself. It can be a very appropriate and even healthy response to your environment, relationship, or season of life you are in.

Libido should come naturally and spontaneously: There is value in sexual experiences that require effort and nurturing. Enjoyable sex in the long term, often involves prioritisation and intentionality. Desire requires ongoing care, rather than just happening.

Desire is a “drive” for a need (sex), like hunger or thirst: When sex is reduced to an internal drive to fill a “need”, the focus of sex becomes satisfying this personal hunger, rather than a genuine want for the other. This can be received as pressure and create stress and disconnection in a relationship. In contrast, connection is a truly human need; sex is just one way that the human need for connection can be met. It is vital in a relationship that connection is being fulfilled in more ways than sex alone.

Hormones are the primary cause of low desire in women: While hormones do play a role in the experience of libido in women, they are also least likely to be the main reason for low desire in women. Factors such a personal history, overall psychological wellbeing, relationship satisfaction have a larger impact on libido than hormones.

Men always have higher libido: Men generally tend to experience higher libido, however, the difference is not as significant as many people believe. There is also so much variance within male and female groups.  In many couples, there are women that experience higher sexual desire. Interestingly, when couples stop being sexual it is more often due to a man withdrawing from sexual intimacy due to confidence issues with erections, intercourse, and orgasm. This can result in the loss of all forms of sexual and even physical intimacy, which the woman may grieve.

All sexual activity is mutual and synchronous: This expectation creates unnecessary pressure and demand, burdening desire. Partners will experience different and varying levels of desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction in any one sexual encounter. An approach that is conducive to desire is one that is flexible, embraces pleasure-oriented touching, sensuality, and playfulness- over a pass-fail test of intercourse or orgasm.

Viagra is an aphrodisiac and increases sexual desire: Viagra has no impact on sexual desire whatsoever. It is only once a man is sexually aroused that an erection is facilitated. If low desire and arousal is present, Viagra is essentially ineffective.

Orgasm, especially during intercourse is the sole measure of satisfaction: This drives the pressure to perform, to tick a check box, to achieve a goal…in other words, a desire killer! Furthermore, only 15-20% of women reliably orgasm during sexual intercourse with no additional stimulation, and approximately 38% of women rarely or never orgasm during intercourse. While not a reliable way for a woman to orgasm, sexual intercourse can still be a pleasurable experience, and one of physical and emotional connection.

Drugs, hormones, mediccations will fix me: While prescribed medication can definitely help in some cases, this will be most effective in conjunction with therapy. Biological factors are one part of the puzzle, and psychological and relational factors are interlinked in the experience of sexuality.

Sex Therapy for Low Libido

Sex therapy is a holistic way to approach low libido in a confidential, non-judgemental, warm and supportive environment. In sex therapy we will explore emotions, beliefs, relationship patterns, physical wellbeing, personal history- all of which potentially contribute to your experience of desire. Unpacking this is crucial to understanding your experience, which in and of itself can promote acceptance and healing.

From a deep place of understanding, we will unpack unhelpful myths you may have internalised and replace this with factual information that empowers you. We will work on areas of your life that may be the true root of the symptom of low desire. Practical tools and strategies will also be explored to foster your experience of sexual wellbeing.

If you are in a relationship, sex therapy for low libido is most effective when the couple attends in sex therapy together. This nurtures the couple relationship, and allows you to approach the issue occurring between the two of you as a supportive team.

When to Seek Support for Low Libido

-            If you or your relationship are experiencing distress

-            If there is accompanying sexual pain, anxiety, or shame

-            If intimacy and connection is impacted

-            If low desire is chronic or worsening

-            You WANT to revitalise your sexual bond

Low libido is a common human experience and fluctuations in sexual desire is normal and can also be a healthy response to an unhealthy context. If it is important to you, there is hope for nurturing your libido and enjoying pleasurable sexual intimacy.

I offer online Sex Therapy across Australia. If you would like to engage in Sex Therapy with me, I’d be honoured to journey with you.

Written by Justine

References:

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McCarthy B, McCarthy E. Couple Sexuality After 60: Intimate, Pleasurable, and Satisfying. New York, NY; Abingdon, Oxon: Routledge; 2022.

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