Why is it so hard to talk about Sex?

If the mention of the word “sex” is enough to bring about feelings of embarrassment, discomfort, guilt, or shame, you are not alone! Talking about sex is often one of the most difficult topics that couples navigate, and authentic, vulnerable conversations about sex is something rare more generally.

If you prefer to listen rather than read, my audio podcast answers the question: why is it so hard to talk about sex?

Sex in our society is a commodity that sells, and we are flooded with sexual messaging whether on Netflix, Instagram, or simply strolling through the supermarket. At the same time, our sexual thoughts and experiences remain shrouded in secrecy and even fear. There can be worries that talking about sex will be a shameful experience in and of itself, or can impact a partner negatively, such as hurting them with your sexual views.

While not talking about sex is very normal, due to the barriers surrounding sexual communication, it can negatively impact sexual intimacy, emotional connection, and overall relationship satisfaction. Other times couples find that instead of talking about sex, they fight about it, which can lead to more pain and distress. This can further fuel avoidance about talking about sex all together.

On the other hand, it is so important to recognise that healthy sexual communication boost sexual wellbeing, pleasure, and even has direct impacts on sexual function such as desire, arousal, and orgasm!

What is sexual communication?

Sexual communication involves:
- Sexual self-disclosure where you share about your preferences, desires, experiences, and sexual values. Self-disclosure is then built on the premise of actually knowing what your sexual preferences, desires, and values are.
- Instrumental sexual communication where you communicate about sexual health information such as pregnancy, contraceptive choices, and safer sex practices.
- Expressive sexual communication which shares emotional and sexual vulnerabilities, deepening intimacy, and builds trust.

It is important to consider that communication is a dialogue of sharing, asking questions, listening, and validating. The quality of sexual communication includes both people feeling emotionally safe to listen and share in a supportive environment.

What does sexual communication sound like?

Sexual communication might sound like:
- Beginning a conversation asking, “can we make time to talk about our sex life?”
- Being curious and asking, “what gives you most pleasure when we are sexually intimate?”
- Sharing a preference, “I really enjoy it when you kiss my neck.”
- Sharing a value, “It is important to me that we are emotionally connected when we have sex.”
- Discussing contraceptive choices, “Will we rely on condoms or birth control pills?”
- Self-disclosure during sexual intimacy, “can you slow down and touch me right there?”, “that feels really good!”

What stops sexual communication?

While on paper the idea of sexual communication may sound simple, the reality of it can be extremely difficult. There can be multiple barriers that interfere with the ability to talk openly about sex.

Psychological barriers:
- Fear of shame, embarrassment, inadequacy, weakness, or worthlessness in sharing
- Negative beliefs about their sexual desires as “not normal”
- Negative beliefs generally about sex and talking about sex

Relational barriers:
- Worry that talking about sex will lead to fighting about sex instead
- Worry that partners will be upset
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of relationship break down

Social and cultural barriers:
- Social norms about what is “proper” can perpetuate sexual secrecy
- Social norms about specific genders and sex such as men being initiators, and women being passive recipients of desire can influence sexual communication. For example, some women may not think it is acceptable for them to have their own desire, keeping this hidden rather than communicating about it.
- Some cultures and religions may explicitly portray sex as negative and foster sexual silence

Myths That Silence Sexual Communication

1. Intimacy should be completely instinctual and synchronous
After all, this is what we read in books, see in movies, and watch in pornography. The reality is very different. Great sex does not just happen naturally and without intention. It is like a language that you must learn and practice, before you can utilise it in poetry or lyrics. Communication helps to facilitate this learning process.

Partners also are inherently different individuals who differ in sexual preferences and needs. These preferences can also naturally vary over time through age and experiences. Communication allows couples to create a shared sexual identity, but to also update this to meet evolving preferences over time.

2. If I say something, I am directly critiquing my partner
For sure, if you are criticising your partner and telling them they are doing a bad job, this is hurtful communication which will likely contribute to defensiveness on their end.

However, bringing up a sexual preference or need, or describing a sexual difficulty is a vulnerable act of connection. In emotionally connecting through sexual communication, you are fostering healthy sexual function and protecting desire in long-term relationships. There are times where it is genuinely hard and uncomfortable, especially when sexual pain or sexual dysfunction is present, but this is an opportunity to support each other through it.

3. If we must talk about sex or use structured communication, it will feel forced and take the romance away.
Learning any new skill can be awkward at the beginning. However, the rewards of sexual communication outweigh the initial costs of awkwardness and certainly outweigh the silence. Silence leads to misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Sexual communication (when you learn to do this well) leads to maximising sexual rewards, strengthening your approach as a joint sexual team, and increasing sexual function and pleasure. Intentionality fuels passion, whereas relying on passion on its own leads to it fizzling out.

4. My partner should just know what I want and need.
This is mind-reading 101. Even in committed relationships, research indicates that partners only know approximately 62% of what partners find sexually pleasing, and 26% of what they find sexually displeasing. Expecting that you do not need to explicitly communicate and that if your partner was just thoughtful enough or cared enough about you, that they would know is a massively inaccurate assumption…and we all know what assumptions make of us. Unfortunately, there is no easy short cut or work around the hard work of good, old, reliable, clear, healthy, assertive communication.

How can I talk about sex with my partner?

- Start with self-reflection. Identify your sexual needs and preferences. Especially if the catalyst is a sexual complaint or criticism, look deeper to find what the underlying positive, unmet need or preference is.
- Prepare yourself to both share clearly, assertively, gently, and to ask questions and to listen openly to your partner’s perspective
- Keep sexual conversations out of the bedroom if possible, and definitely not during sex! (Unless it is the use of sexual disclosure that enhances sexual intimacy in the moment)  
- Plan to have the conversation at a quality time, without distractions, and room to take the conversation slowly
- Agree that both can ask for a break during the conversation if things start to get heated. Importantly, whoever asks for a break is responsible for then initiating the conversation again at a another time, when both feel emotionally ready to do so.

What sexual questions can I ask my partner?

If you want to get the ball rolling but you are unsure of what to ask, here are some initial questions:
- What does sex mean to you? (What is it that you get out of sex?)
- What sexual activities does the word “sex” include for you?
- When do you feel the most pleasure during sex?
- What gets in the way of you being fully present during sex?
- How can I support you in enjoying sex more?

My YouTube playlist “Let’s Talk About It” explores questions and prompts to support sexual communication.

When to seek support for sexual communication?

There may be times where couples need extra support for sexual communication, despite their hardest efforts to communicate. This may be when:
- You notice most times sex becomes a fight
- You are both avoiding sexual communication completely
- You feel deep shame in your sexual needs or preferences, and this blocks you from communicating with your partner
- Sexual communication is impacted by broader relationship disconnection and conflict
- You simply want a supportive environment that facilitates intentional sharing and listening

How Does Sex Therapy Support Sexual Communication?

Sex therapy is a holistic way to approach communication challenges in a confidential, non-judgmental, warm, and supportive environment. In sex therapy, we look beyond the surface level of a quiet bedroom or recurring arguments. Together, we explore the underlying emotions, internalized beliefs, relationship patterns, and personal histories that shape how you relate to intimacy. Unpacking these elements is crucial to understanding why talking about sex feels unsafe or overwhelming, which in and of itself promotes acceptance and healing.

From a deep place of understanding, we will dismantle the unhelpful myths and scripts you may have internalized about intimacy and replace them with factual, empowering information. We will work on the true root of your communication blocks such as performance pressure, anxiety, or deep-seated shame. Practical tools and strategies will also be explored to foster your shared sexual vocabulary.

If you are in a relationship, sex therapy for sexual communication is most effective when the couple attends sessions together. This nurtures the couple dynamic, allowing you to move away from viewing one person as the "problem" and instead approach the challenge occurring between the two of you as a supportive team.

I offer online Sex Therapy across Australia. If you would like to engage in Sex Therapy with me, I’d be honoured to journey with you.

Final Thoughts

Sexual communication is not an innate skill that we are born with; it is an ongoing practice of vulnerability that requires intention, effort, and care. When talking about intimacy feels difficult or brings up conflict, it does not mean your relationship is broken or that you are incompatible. It often simply reflects that the context around your relationship needs a little more support, safety, and understanding. By peeling back the layers of secrecy and shame, the focus can shift away from a pass-fail test of intimacy and move toward creating a shared, flexible space that embraces connection, curiosity, and mutual playfulness.

Written by Justine

References

1. Mallory AB, Stanton AM, Handy AB. Couples’ sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis. The Journal of Sex Research. 2019;56(7):882-898.

2. Mallory AB. Dimensions of couples’ sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology. 2022;36(3):358-371.,