Beyond Willpower: EMDR in Sex Therapy for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour and Problematic Pornography Use

Written By Justine Gilliland

If you are struggling with compulsive sexual behaviour or problematic pornography use, you may already know that willpower alone is rarely enough. You may have promised yourself you would stop, tried restricting access, and feel caught in a cycle of urge, behaviour, relief, and shame.

In sex therapy, we understand that repeated, unwanted sexual behaviours is not a failure of character and are often driven by powerful memory networks in the brain, not simply a lack of discipline.

In some cases, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) can be integrated into sex therapy to help reduce cravings, process triggers, and rewire underlying emotional patterns.

Compulsive Sexual Behaviour

Compulsive sexual behaviour and problematic pornography use often involve two core forces:

The “Push”

Painful emotional states you are trying to escape, and “push” away such as:

  • Boredom

  • Loneliness

  • Rejection

  • Stress

  • Trauma

  • Shame

The “Pull”

The “pull” to watch pornography or engage in compulsive sexual behaviour. This involves the powerful memory of relief, arousal, intensity, or control associated with the behaviour. It may involve a “feeling” you are trying to seek out such as power, success, and adoration. The brain links distress (the “push”) with a behaviour that temporarily regulates it (the “pull”). Over time, this loop strengthens. Sex therapy focuses on understanding this cycle rather than moralising it.

When EMDR Is Used in Sex Therapy

EMDR is not automatically used in every case of compulsive sexual behaviour.

However, EMDR may be appropriate when:

  • Urges feel automatic and overwhelming

  • There are identifiable triggers

  • There is a history of trauma or past wounds that are the roots of the behaviour

  • Shame-based beliefs are deeply embedded

  • There is repeated relapse

  • The body reacts strongly to specific imagery or emotional states

EMDR can be integrated carefully within a broader sex therapy framework.

1. Turning Down the Volume on Triggers

Many individuals have predictable triggers, such as:

  • Time of day (late at night)

  • Being alone

  • After conflict

  • Stress at work

  • Emotional rejection

  • Specific digital cues

Using EMDR, we can process the trigger itself.

Rather than feeling like a level-10 urge demanding action, the trigger may gradually reduce to a manageable level. It becomes a thought or feeling, not a command. This reduces impulsivity and increases choice.

2. Processing the “Addiction Memory”

Sometimes the memories of the craving, or the last relapse, continues to fuel the cycle.

The brain remembers:

  • The intensity of the urge

  • The physical tension

  • The temporary relief

  • The “high” of the escape

By processing the memory of the urge itself, EMDR can reduce the physiological intensity attached to it. This helps reduce the exhausting cycle of constant internal resistance.

3. Uncoupling the Desired Feeling From the Behaviour

Many compulsive sexual behaviours are linked to a deeper emotional need.

For example:

  • “I feel powerful.”

  • “I feel wanted.”

  • “I feel confident.”

  • “I feel numb and safe.”

The brain wires that desired state to the sexual behaviour. In EMDR, we can work to separate the legitimate emotional need from the behaviour used to achieve it. You do not lose the need. You gain healthier pathways to meet it.

Over time, the behaviour often loses intensity and appeal.

Building a Regulated, Integrated Sexual Self

EMDR is not only about reducing distress. In sex therapy, we also strengthen a “future template” through mentally rehearsing:

  • Managing urges calmly

  • Navigating high-risk situations

  • Reconnecting sexually with a partner

  • Experiencing arousal without escalation

  • Setting digital boundaries

This builds neural pathways aligned with the version of yourself you want to become.

Do We Address Trauma?

Sometimes compulsive sexual behaviour is linked to:

  • Early attachment wounds

  • Sexual trauma

  • Emotional neglect

  • Chronic shame

  • Exposure to early sexual material

Traditionally, EMDR starts with past memories that are the root of current day behaviour. Not everyone is willing, ready, or capable (yet) of diving into the past. When relevant and when you feel ready, these underlying memories may be processed. But this is not rushed. We may first focus on stabilising current behaviours: like mowing the lawn before pulling the root. However, if you are open and ready for it, the past can often be a good place to start in order to create lasting change.

Sex Therapy for Problematic Pornography Use Online (Australia)

Online sex therapy via telehealth provides:

  • Confidential, structured sessions

  • Privacy from your own space

  • Access across Australia (including regional areas)

  • Integrated approaches (EMDR, motivational interviewing, ACT, DBT regulation skills)

A Final Reflection

Compulsive sexual behaviour is rarely about sex alone. It is often about distress regulation, unmet needs, attachment patterns, and nervous system wiring. Willpower may suppress behaviour temporarily. However, understanding and reprocessing the underlying drivers creates lasting change.

If you are seeking online sex therapy in Australia for compulsive sexual behaviour or problematic pornography use, support is available.

I’d be honoured to journey with you.

Justine Gilliland
Previous

The 5 Gears of Connection: Enhancing Relational and Emotional intimacy

Next

EMDR Therapy: Do we have to re-visit the past?