Understanding Desire or “Libido”
Sexual desire, often termed “libido” is the motivation towards sexual activity. It naturally varies over time, is dynamic, and is shaped by and continuously interacting with the multiple, and often complex factors of life.
This blog will explore what sexual desire is, how it differs from arousal (read my blog on arousal here), define spontaneous and responsive desire, debunk common myths about desire, and outline how sex therapy can support with issues of desire.
What Is Sexual Desire?
Sexual desire (libido) is the motivation towards sexual activity including sexual thoughts, fantasy, anticipation, and yearning for sexual activity. Although “drive” is sometimes used to explain desire, this can sometimes confuse desire as a primal drive such as hunger. Rather, motivation is more the “pulling” towards a potential reward or attractive stimulus. This may seem like a small difference, however, where this difference matters is in the recognition that whilst sexual activity can be pleasurable and highly rewarding, it is not a basic need for survival such as hunger.
Sexual desire is often complex rather than simple; influenced by biological, psychological, relational and cultural factors.
Desire vs Arousal: What’s the Difference?
Desire and arousal are often used interchangeably. This is understandable due to the considerable overlap, and the tendency for these to occur simultaneously (although this is not always the case!). At the same time, there is a difference. Desire is the psychological interest in sex, whereas desire is the physiological and psychological readiness or excitement for sex. (Read more on arousal here).
What’s the difference between psychological interest and readiness? I may want to be sexual (desire) and at the same time not be mentally ready for sex (arousal), for example, because the timing may not be right (mentally distracted by the to-do list or the kids).
The Two Types of Desire
Wanting sex is experienced in two key ways: spontaneous and responsive desire. Each individual may have times where one type of desire is stronger than the other, and both types of desire are equally valid and important.
Spontaneous Desire
Spontaneous desire is the motivation for sex that appears seemingly randomly. It may be sexual thoughts that appear without any specific, consciously obvious cue, which can then generate further desire for sexual activity. It may be the general wanting for sex and anticipation of sexual pleasure. Spontaneous desire can lead individuals to seek out sexual activity to fulfil their anticipation of pleasure. They want sex because they have been thinking about sex and how enjoyable sexual activity can be. In this scenario, sexual desire tends to precede arousal.
While spontaneous desire can seem random or not associated with a specific cue, there may be internal or external cues that are not obvious or consciously registered that do contribute to the experience of spontaneous desire. This could be a cue such as hormone levels, ovulation, feeling good in one’s body, visually appreciating your partner, or even smelling an attractive scent. In this way, it is likely that although not obvious, spontaneous desire is responding to a cue.
Responsive Desire
Responsive desire is the motivation for sex that emerges in response to enjoyable and pleasurable relationship dynamics or physical or sexual touch. It may be the want for sexually intimacy to express a deep sense of connection, or physical touching that sparks the desire for pleasurable sexual activity. With responsive desire, an individual’s desire may start at neutral, and as physical and sexual activity occurs and is pleasurable, their desire builds in response to that enjoyable activity. Engaging in intimacy (relational, physical, or sexual) leads to the wanting of sex and the continuation of sexual engagement. In this scenario, arousal tends to precede desire.
Responsive desire tends to be the pattern of desire in longer term relationships and in older age, although every individual and their relationship is different.
Why Understanding the Difference Matters
There is a tendency for spontaneous desire to be seen as the only way or the “right” way for sexual desire to occur. This means that when desire is not seemingly spontaneous, individuals may think there is something wrong with them for not just wanting to have sex like “everyone else”.
Individuals with responsive desire may not be as motivated to spontaneously initiate sexual intimacy and may need to be more intentional with initiating. However, given a pleasurable, intimate, relational context, and being open to enjoyable physical intimacy, these individuals will experience a build in their desire.
What happens when individuals experience low or mismatched desire? Read my blog on low desire here and mismatched desire here.
Common Factors That Influence Desire
Physical: Desire can fluctuate due to hormonal changes such as during pregnancy, menopause, with changes in testosterone levels for both men and women. Chronic illness and pain can also significantly influence desire. Medications, especially antidepressant SSRIs are linked with changes in desire.
Psychological: Stress, negative thoughts, self-image, performance pressure, and past trauma.
Relational: Communication, emotional connection, and affection.
Contextual: Life pressures, parenting demands, financial worries, lack of privacy, feeling rushed, and rigidity.
Generally, the healthier you are in your overall sense of wellbeing, relationship, and capacity to navigate your context, the easier it is to nurture and experience desire.
Myths About Sexual Desire
Low desire means you are broken: Compared to who or what? Low desire is not inherently dysfunctional. It may be individual preference and value regarding the importance of sex, and that is completely okay. At the same time, if you have noticed that your desire has decreased, it can be a sign that your context has changed, or the desirability of sex itself has changed. Is the sex being offered to you worth wanting?
Men have high desire and women have low desire: Across all genders desire is variable, and within individuals themselves desire can be experienced differently across their life span. Desire may also be different rather than necessarily high or low, for example one partner experiencing spontaneous desire, and the other partner experiencing responsive desire.
When Desire Feels Low or Out of Sync
Firstly, is it low desire, or simply a different type of desire? And if it is a different type of desire, such as responsive desire, is the context and relationship nurturing of that desire? Read more on low desire here.
Mismatched desire is very common between couples and can be a source of frustration especially when there is a lack of understanding and empathy towards each individual’s experience of desire. Read more on mismatched desire here.
Practical Steps You Can Try Now
Prioritise pleasure over performance or outcome: enjoy physical, pleasurable touching as valid and intimate in and of itself, without focusing on a specific outcome such as intercourse or orgasm. Enjoy when these do occur as a natural extension of building desire and arousal, however, do not “force” it (which can actually be a desire and arousal killer).
Create “bridges” to desire: reflect on and identify in what contexts or situations you experience desire the most. Actively plan and incorporate this information into relational and sexual encounters to encourage desire.
Healthy, assertive communication: clearly verbalise your desires and preferences. Voice what it is that you want. Be curious to your partner’s perspective and experiences, genuinely listen. Be a sexual team.
How Sex Therapy Can Help
Sex therapy offers a safe, supportive space to understand your experience of desire without judgment, shame, or pressure. Many people seek help for low, mismatched, or changing desire at some point in their lives. Rather than focusing solely on increasing “frequency,” sex therapy focuses on understanding the meaning of desire in your life and what might be shaping it.
Therapy helps you explore the unique mix of biological, psychological, relational, and contextual factors influencing your sexual motivation. Together, we can identify and address unhelpful beliefs or myths, ease pressure around performance or expectations, and support you in reconnecting with your body and your partner in a way that feels authentic and enjoyable.
Through sex therapy, we can also explore:
How emotional closeness and safety shape desire.
How to intentionally cultivate contexts that invite spontaneous or responsive desire.
How to navigate desire differences as a couple without shame or blame.
How to reconnect with pleasure as a meaningful, life-giving experience not a performance or expectation.
Ultimately, sex therapy is about learning to experience sexuality as an evolving, living part of yourself that can adapt, deepen, and grow over time.
Final Reflection
Sexual desire it is fluid, responsive, and shaped by who we are, how we feel, and the world we live in. Shifts in desire do not mean something is wrong with you; they are invitations to listen more deeply to yourself and your needs.
Understanding your desire whether spontaneous or responsive, allows you to reclaim curiosity, confidence, and connection in your sexual life. When approached with awareness and empathy, these changes can deepen emotional and physical intimacy, rather than diminish it.
If you are feeling disconnected from your desire or struggling with mismatched desire in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
I offer online sex therapy across Australia, providing a compassionate, confidential space to explore your experience of desire, rebuild confidence, and reconnect with your sense of pleasure and intimacy.
Written by Justine
References:
1. Campbell C. Sex Therapy: The Basics. Abingdon: Routledge; 2023.
2. McCarthy B. Sex Made Simple. Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing & Media; 2015.
3. McCarthy BW, McCarthy E. Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Sharing Desire, Pleasure, and Satisfaction. New York: Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group; 2009.
4. Nagoski E. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. New York: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks; 2021
