Understanding Mismatched Desire in Relationships: Why It Happens and How to Navigate It
What is Mismatched Desire?
Mismatched desire is when sexual partners have differing preferences in initiation, frequency, type, and timing of sexual activity. It is the most common reason that couples seek sex therapy, often presented as a “low libido” issue.
Inherently, each partner’s desire for sex is not “too low” or “too high”, simply different.
Mismatched desire presents in all types of sexual relationships.
Common Causes of Mismatched Desire
Mismatched desire can stem from a range of individual, relational, biological and sociocultural factors.
Individually, it can just mean that each person places a different sense of interest, importance or meaning on sexual intimacy. This is a normal part of human diversity, which is important to accept and respect.
However, when mismatched desire is a source of disconnection and stress, there may be other factors involved that heighten and perpetuate the mismatched desire. If there is a disconnect between ideally wanting sex in the relationship, but experiencing minimal desire, this may also indicate other factors.
Relationship factors: the divide between desire can be widened through relationship dissatisfaction and conflict, lack of communication, fears and avoidance around intimacy, a chasing dynamic that leads to demand and avoidance, de-eroticisation of the relationship, life stage changes, unequal division of labour, and guilt and pressure to engage in sex.
Individual psychological factors: low desire can be amplified by negative sexual thoughts, anxiety and stress, shame and guilt, body image concerns, trauma history, feelings of pessimism and hopelessness, a lack of self-awareness, and intimacy avoidance.
Biological factors: desire discrepancies might be impacted by health conditions and disability, side effects of medication, fatigue, and ageing.
Sociocultural factors: societal and cultural messages can influence our interest in sex. This includes negative messaging, myths and misinformation that instil shame and unrealistic expectations about sex.
Many couples experience more than one of these factors simultaneously. This is normal and is an example of the very human complexity of our experience of sexuality.
Myths About Sexual Desire in Relationships
Sex is a natural drive that should always be present: biology certainly plays a role in desire, however, this oversimplifies human desire which is far more multifaceted than we often realise. Expecting constant desire leads to disappointment.
Desire must always be spontaneous: this is the idea that desire, sexual thoughts and fantasies should just randomly show up. Spontaneous desire then leads to seeking out physical or sexual intimacy. Many people, and especially those in long term relationships tend to have desire that is responsive to the conditions of the relationship and the specific context. Desire shows up in response to pleasurable physical or sexual touch, rather than beforehand.
Monogamy kills desire: When it comes to keeping desire alive, the context of the relationship and how couples navigate that structure is far more important than the relationship structure itself (monogamy or polyamory). It is very possible to have an enjoyable and satisfying sexual relationship for the long term in a monogamous relationship, given both people prioritise and nurture their sexual intimacy.
There is a right or wrong level of desire: It is natural that desire varies between individuals, and even with individuals themselves. Differences are normal and there is no right or wrong amount of desire.
Men always have a high sex drive, and women have a low sex drive: While men on average tend to have a higher sex drive, again, fluctuation in desire is a normal experience. Men’s sexuality is as complex as women’s and can equally be affected by psychological and relational factors. In approximately 30% of relationships, women have a higher libido than their male partners.
Sexual problems will disappear if we work on our emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy is important in a relationship and can certainly encourage desire to grow. At the same time, it is not a fix all. Sexual intimacy needs to be intentionally worked on. For example, emotional intimacy does not make up for a lack of sex education, knowledge, and skill, poor body image, sexual pain, de-eroticisation of the other, or not knowing how to talk about sex.
How Mismatched Desire Affects Relationships
Mismatched desire can be a source of distress for individuals and couples. It can lead to problematic chasing dynamics where one person initiates sex, while the other distances. This can lead to feelings of rejection and being undesirable in the chaser, and lead to feeling pressured, judged, or resentful in the distancer. It’s often the cycle of avoidance/pressure rather than the desire difference itself that causes most distress.
How Sex Therapy Can Help Mismatched Desire
Sex therapy holistically approaches mismatched desire, taking into account biological, psychological, and social factors to understand and treat sexual challenges. The aim is to not only treat the problem, but to enhance overall sexual function and wellbeing. This is achieved through exploring relational dynamics, strengthening the overall relationship, as well as delivering sexual education, and teaching sexual skills.
Practical Steps You Can Try Now
Romance each other: take a date night, set aside time to really show your interest in each other. Shower your affection and admiration on the other. Do this, without expecting sex afterwards, to show your commitment to the relationship.
Set realistic expectations: accept that sexual experiences are naturally variable. Not every encounter will be perfect or mutually in sync.
Talk about it: improve your sexual communication with each other by openly discussing your sexual desires. Tell your partner what sex means to you, what you find pleasurable, and even better- demonstrate this to them. Follow along with my Let’s Talk About It YouTube series which is all about enhancing sexual communication.
Touch regularly: engage in regular sensual, pleasurable touching that is physically affectionate, but not necessarily sexual. Touch without pressure for sex. Explore different types of sensations and textures.
Read my blog on Low Libido: if mismatched desire is also accompanied by low libido, you can learn more by clicking here.
When to Seek Support
- When your concern about mismatched desire is persistent or worsening, despite efforts to improve the situation
- There is significant distress or avoidance that impacts your relationship and quality of life
- If there are deep-seated emotional patterns like fear of intimacy, unprocessed trauma, or betrayal
- Unresolved underlying difficulties such as body image concerns, anxiety or depression
- When your relationship is stuck in conflict or disconnection
- If there are suspected medical or physiological factors (in this case consult your GP as a starting point)
Online Sex Therapy for Mismatched Libido
If you and your partner require support for mismatched libido, I’d be honoured to journey with you. I offer online sex therapy across Australia. You can find out more about my service on my Sex Therapy page or take the next step and book!
Written by Justine
References1. Gambescia N, Weeks GR, Hertlein KM. A Clinician’s Guide to Systemic Sex Therapy. 3rd ed. New York, NY: Routledge; 2021.
2. Tuckman A. ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship. New York, NY: Routledge; 2020.
3. McCarthy B, McCarthy E. Couple Sexuality After 60: Intimate, Pleasurable, and Satisfying. New York, NY: Routledge; 2022.
4. Kleinplatz PJ, Ménard AD. Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers. New York, NY: Routledge; 2020.
5. Perel E. Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic. New York, NY: HarperCollins; 2006.
6. Crooks R, Baur K, Widman L. Our Sexuality. Enhanced 14th ed. United States: Cengage Learning, Inc.; 2025.
7. McCarthy B, McCarthy E. Rekindling Desire. 3rd ed. New York, NY: Routledge; 2020.
