Myths about Men and Erections: Rethinking What it Means to Be “Normal”

Many men and couples have mythical expectations about erections that create worry about changes in erections and sexual performance. These expectations are shaped by culture, lack of education, media- including pornography which promote unrealistic, inhuman demands for sexual performance and perfection. Men’s self-worth and masculinity is often tied to erectile ability, which is problematic due to the mythology this is built on, an impossible standard.

This misinformation can create tremendous pressure, inadequacy, and shame that set men up to feel like something is wrong with them if they are unable to “perform”, and their partners to take this lack of “perfection” as a reflection of their desirability- or lack thereof.

As a result, erectile dysfunction (ED) which is the most common sexual dysfunction among men, is also one of the most feared sexual dysfunctions a man can experience. Not all changes in erections, including occasional losses of erection, are ED. Erectile changes are common, natural, and expected over the course of a man’s life. However, in the case of ED where men experience persistent significant difficulty in attaining or maintaining an erection, or significant changes in firmness of an erection, it is important to note the normalcy of this, the ability for this to be managed, and the potential for sexual adaptation, intimacy and pleasure to be experienced even with ED.

Understanding Erections: What’s Actually Happening

An erection is a natural but complex event that requires cooperation between the body’s systems and emotional state.

The physical mechanics: The penis is composed of spongy tissue and blood arteries. An erection happens when the smooth muscles surrounding the arteries in your penis relax. The relaxation opens up the arteries (blood vessels) and allows blood to rush into the penis. This fills up the spongy tissue with blood, and at the same time muscles around the base of the penis contract. This traps blood in the penis, and the penis becomes firm (an erection). All of this means, that erections rely on healthy blood flow and function of the blood vessels.  The efficiency of this system naturally changes over time, and physical health issues such as cardiovascular problems can significantly impact erections.

The mind/emotion mechanics: sexual arousal is triggered via two main pathways- the brain, or from physical touch. Arousal begins in the brain with sexual thoughts, fantasies, or imagination. Arousal from touch happens through direct physical touch or stimulation of the body and genitals. An erection not only requires the physical hardware to function, but also requires the mind to be ready through elements such as sexual interest, emotional connection, and openness to pleasure. Anxiety and fear can inhibit the relaxation required for erection, and cause blood to move away from the genitals. Stress, distraction, tiredness, can also interrupt the mind’s readiness for arousal, interfering with erectile function.

Erections and Normal Age-Related Changes

Changes in erections over the life-span are a normal process. In youth it is common to experience spontaneous erections; erections that appear instantly and through sexual thoughts alone. From approximately the age of 35, spontaneous erections subside and increasingly, the penis requires direct stimulation from flaccid to erect.

Normal, age related changes include:

-            The time it takes to get hard increases

-            More direct physical stimulation is needed to achieve and maintain an erection

-            There is a decline in morning erections

-            Erections may be less firm and rigid

-            Penile sensitivity decreases

-            Erections wax and wane (from hard to softer) during prolonged sexual activity (even in younger men! – but more pronounced in older men)

-            It may take longer to orgasm

-            Orgasm intensity and ejaculation force decrease

-            Longer recovery time from one erection and orgasm to the next

-            Penetration alone may not be sufficient stimulation enough to experience orgasm

More than 90% of men by the age of 40 will have experienced at least one instance of inability to experience an erection. This is normal. Due to age-related changes, men may experience erection dissatisfaction (EDis). This can be alleviated by recognising that these changes are normal and to emphasise and increase the quality of psychological and relational factors that play a much greater role in satisfaction and function in older age.

Erectile dissatisfaction is different from erectile dysfunction. ED increases dramatically in age due to physical health factors. ED affects over 50% of men between 40-70 years of age. When it comes to ED, age is not the problem, chronic illness is. ED can be managed, however, similarly with erectile dissatisfaction psychological and relational factors have a powerful role to play in sexual satisfaction. Read more about erectile dysfunction.

Myths About Erections and Male Sexuality

Erections must be instant and rock hard: If the above information has not already addressed this sufficiently – this is truly a myth that stems from a fantasy land where men stay forever teenagers or young adults. It is also driven by a rigid idea that sex is only truly sex when there is penetration, and ends on penetration as the one true goal for sex. And what do real men do? They have hard erections and pounding sex. This myth is what pornography thrives on, which is not at all a realistic depiction of men’s natural bodies (hello Viagra and prosthetics).

If you love me, you can get it up (a partner’s perspective): this is shaped by a performance view on sex which oversimplifies the process of erections and dismisses the changing nature of erections. The spontaneous erections of youth may come about simply making breakfast, and not necessarily anything to do with desire. Whereas as a man ages, desire may be there, but direct stimulation is also needed. This myth and reaction may in fact backfire, by putting pressure on performance. Pressure is an instant arousal killer, and arousal is needed for erection.

Erections are a sign of pleasure: I want to say this louder for the back- a flaccid penis can enjoy immense pleasure! Stroke, squeeze, rub…a penis does not need to be erect to enjoy this, nor is an erection “proof” of enjoyment.

Sex is over without an erection: a hard penis is not necessary to enjoy sexual pleasure. Sex – as in sexual activity, can still be experienced as satisfying even without erection or intercourse. Hands, mouths, whole-body sensuality, sexual intimacy grounded in pleasure, emotional and relational intimacy is key- not relying on a “one trick pony”. Oh, and it’s possible for men to experience orgasm without an erection or ejaculation.

Viagra (PDE-5 inhibitors) are a magic pill for perfect erections: PDE-5 inhibitors are valuable in managing ED and restoring erectile function when used. Arousal and physical stimulation are still required for the medication to work. PDE-5 inhibitors are not a miracle cure and are more effectively used alongside sex and relationship therapy. In ED there are psychological and relational factors that either contribute towards or result from ED, and addressing these factors are essential. Even with erections, it is important to recognise these key components of sexuality that are often lost through a performance driven lens of sexuality.

The Emotional Impact of Performance Pressure

The largest barrier to sexual pleasure and intimacy is not physical, but mental and emotional. Anxiety, fear, shame overrides the natural sexual response cycle, which can create the very issues you are afraid of.

Performance anxiety in the context of erections, is the worry about getting or maintaining an erection. This is the greatest immediate cause of erectile difficulty, by pressing the brakes on sexual arousal. Worrying about it, gets in the way of pleasure, increases stress, and inhibits the relaxation required for erection. This becomes a vicious cycle where the loss or inability for erection, then heightens the anxiety more, which than lessens erection more and so on.

Spectatoring is where you are “watching”  or monitoring yourself and your partner, absorbed in self-consciousness rather than being absorbed in the moment of pleasure or connection. This is being distracted from the desire and sensations that maintain arousal and erection. You can not be both absorbed in the pleasure of sexual intimacy and worried about monitoring.

Performance anxiety and spectatoring is driven out or performance pressure. When difficulties with erections arise, this can lead to shame, frustration, and grief. These are heavy and difficult emotions to navigate. It is so important to know that if you experience these emotions there is immense hope to learn how to cope, and re-experience and redefine sexual intimacy as even more enjoyable than before.

Practical Steps You Can Try Now

1.       Focus on pleasure and sensation.
Sensation is the anchor. Rather than getting lost in your thoughts, shift your focus on what you can feel. Notice the texture, temperature, warmth, sensation. Reframe sex as an opportunity for shared pleasure rather than a goal with a specific outcome. Rather than did an erection happen, did intercourse happen, ask each other how and when pleasure was experienced.

2.       Explore touch without expectations.

In everyday life, not only during sexual intimacy, touch each other. Hold hands, cuddle, give massages, kiss regularly- just for the pure pleasure and enjoyment of it. Pay attention to what feels good for you. These forms of touch have equal value for promoting connection.

3.       Discuss changes openly.
Your partner is part of your sexual team, not an audience member to perform for. It is crucial to work together to understand and address challenges. Sexual intimacy is something to define together.

4.       Seek medical support.
Especially in the case of ED it is important to consult with your GP. ED can be a symptom of underlying physical illness such as heart disease or diabetes. It is also essential that if you want to take PDE-5 inhibitors, you do so with the consultation of your GP. PDE-5 inhibitors should not be taken if you have blood pressure issues, or are taking medications with nitrates for heart disease.

When to Seek Support for Erectile Changes

-            Persistent erectile changes that cause distress or avoidance

-            If you are experiencing shame, anxiety, or relational strain

-            New of sudden onset of ED (medical check is essential)

-            If sexual intimacy feels pressured or disconnected

Erectile Changes: How Sex Therapy Can Help

Sex therapy provides a safe, non-judgemental space to talk openly about sexual concerns — something many men have never had the opportunity to do. It helps men and couples understand the emotional, psychological, and relational dynamics that shape sexual function and satisfaction.

In therapy, we explore not only the physical side of erections, but also the mental and emotional patterns that affect arousal. This includes unpacking performance anxiety, perfectionism, self-worth, and the pressures men internalise about what sex “should” be.

A key focus is broadening the definition of sexuality — moving from goal-oriented, performance-driven sex to experiences that prioritise pleasure, connection, and authenticity. Together, we identify unhelpful sexual scripts, enhance communication, and develop tools to manage anxiety and rebuild confidence.

When working with couples, therapy supports both partners to understand and adapt to changes in erection patterns. It helps couples redefine intimacy as more than penetration, nurturing closeness, sensuality, and teamwork rather than pressure and performance.

Many men find that through this process, they not only improve erectile function but rediscover a sense of ease, curiosity, and confidence in their sexual selves.

Final Reflection

Erections are one part of a man’s sexual experience and not the whole story. They are not a measure of masculinity, love, or worth. With age, bodies change, and so does sex, but pleasure, connection, and satisfaction remain entirely possible.

If you’re struggling with erection changes, performance anxiety, or relational tension, you don’t need to navigate it alone. I offer online sex therapy across Australia, providing a confidential and compassionate space to explore your concerns, rebuild confidence, and rediscover what satisfying, connected sexuality can look like for you.

Written by Justine

References:
1. Dominguez LJ, Barbagallo M. Ageing and sexuality. Eur Geriatr Med. 2016;7:512–8.

2. Gambescia N, Weeks GR, Hertlein KM. A clinician’s guide to systemic sex therapy. 3rd ed. New York: Routledge; 2021.

3. Hillman J. Sexuality and aging: clinical perspectives. New York: Springer; 2012.

4. McCarthy B. Sex made simple: clinical strategies for sexual issues in therapy. Eau Claire, WI: PESI Publishing & Media; 2015.

5. McCarthy BW, Metz ME. Men’s sexual health: fitness for satisfying sex. New York: Routledge; 2008.